I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I am actually talking to myself, that is, literally talking to myself. I may sound like a total crazy person but really, I do this often that I am actually sometimes confused if I am crazy or not, or if i am having a psychological disorder, or if there is something wrong in my mind. But anyway, yeah, I have been thinking about my present relationship with my husband, and I must say, our relationship, with 3 years on the latest count, has been quite fair. I mean, like, we are actually starting and yeah you can say fresh in this world of marriage. We had bumps and even mountains along the way, but gladly, we overcame all of it. I remembered last year, just before our 2nd anniversary, I found out something which almost caused me to actually breakdown, we had a really huge bump on our relationship, but fortunately, we handled it. Also just a few weeks ago, he got me hurt again by a text that is meant to be sent to another person, but unfortunately sending it to me. I was hurt by the content of the message but it is not actually directly saying that he is having an affair, but after reading that, I must say, honestly, I actually thought he did (but thank God he didn’t..). He called me immediately after realizing that he sent me the wrong text, and there I was, awakened by the call, I read the text first, and I was already crying while talking to him. Imagine that, I just opened my eyes, and there’s this text right in front of me. How can I even have a good day with that situation? Great isn’t it? just great. So we talked, which actually took 2 days, and by the way, we are world’s apart, we only talk via skype. I’m here abroad, and he’s back home. 

I think communication is really important in a relationship. Talking about what is wrong is really essential. We all have differences, but it is what makes us unique, we have to accept that. 

And i learned also that, secrets are not the ones that ruins the relationship, suspicion does.

this was one of biggest lie i have. no matter how many times i convince myself, i know the truth behind my smiles..

“The wind is blowing so calmly, yet I can feel my heart tremble. The sun shines on me, welcoming a new day. The clouds seem a little happier today, forming shapes that have been making me occupied. The sky is clear, no signs that it will rain. I went to the kitchen, looked for some food on the fridge. There I find a tuna sandwich and an orange juice, just what I wanted actually. I sat down, watched tv, browsed through the channels, actually found nothing that interests me at all. After finishing what I eat, I turned off the tv, head on to the shower to freshen myself up, and to think. You know what they say about people making decisions while on the shower? well, I’m one of them. I think hard whenever I’m on the shower, i tend to clear my head a lot just as much as clear my body from dirt and sweat. I guess the question that always pops on my mind is “Am i happy?”. So long i have been asking myself this but so long also I haven’t been able to find the  real answer. Maybe because i tend to convince myself that i really am, and why do I even thought of asking myself this question. After my 30-minute long shower, I dressed up, went outside to just spend some dull time. While I’m out, I thought “why am I even here?” My work is stressing me, my workmates are pissing me off, in short, what I love before is actually becoming a burden now. So why am I even letting myself stay? I am so bad when it comes to decision making, I make a lot of mistakes. And I mean, a lot. Even major life decisions so that’s why maybe I end up here. You know the feeling when you feel like you are tired of being who you’ve become? I’m just so sick of being this person who I don’t know how i became? After a few hours of endless procrastinations, walking and thinking, I decided to go home. With all these stuff on my head, I think I might need to rest a bit. All my life, sleep has been my way of escaping reality.”

aren’t you getting tired of those arguments and fights? those taken for granted things and emotions that eventually causes pain. those nights with overwhelming silence, so quiet, its almost deafening. those words that hurt, tears that fell, those moments that feel like its never gonna end.

aren’t you getting tired of broken promises, lies, and a heart that is broken a million times, so broken it doesn’t even know how to repair itself anymore.

coz if you ask me, i do.

because we are all human, we are not perfect. sometimes, they happen in the least expected times, and we have no control over what’s gonna happen. it just happens.

but i think, for me, mistakes should never keep us from going and moving on, because the world does not stop when you stop, everything goes on. you made a mistake, deal with it, make up for it, don’t just let it consume you and bury you on regrets.

mistakes should remind us on what we must do next time, because if you make the same mistake twice, it is never a mistake anymore, but a choice.

i actually stared at this blank space for a few minutes before i started to type. you see, i have a lot of things in mind, but sometimes, i don’t know how to say it, i just can’t find the words to express myself. i don’t know but lately, even writing which was my favorite becomes something that i don’t want to do anymore. i guess i am not being myself anymore. for the past few months (or years), i have been questioning myself who am i now. 

a few minutes ago, i went for a shower and there i was, staring at myself on the mirror in front of me while the drips of warm water touch my skin. i just stared at that girl in front of me, and asked who are you?. for a long time now, i have been questioning myself if this is the life that i wanted, if this is who i wanted to be, if this is where i wanted to be.

then one day came, i woke up, and suddenly out of nowhere, i asked myself, am i happy? am i really happy?

this. this is the question that i have been asking myself over and over. and even i wanted to believe that i am. well, yeah, i am happy, i really am. but you know the feeling that sometimes, even though you now how happy you are, something is still missing? 

anyway, i am not always like this, you know, the-emo-one. well, in real life. and definitely this is not one of those PMS that all girls have because i just had my period.

oh well, life.

happy 3rd anniversary! (by kring051786)

last may 24, we celebrated our 3rd anniversary.. but since we are apart, i just made a video for him.. 

:))

because its my birthday.. but i just dont know why i feel like today is just like one of those ordinary days that i had..

oh well..

funny how sometimes you discover something that was already long ago. something sweet, funny, but also quite shocking. 

sometimes i just want to go back, and give every single thing a chance.

i slept around 5am because as always, my body clock is fucked up again. i was watching Beastly but i got irritated by our internet connection so watching that movie took me forever. i woke up around 10:30 am and realized i am hungry as a bear so i decided to see what’s the food but to my dismay, there isn’t any. so i went back to bed, looked for another decent movie to watch but this fucked up connection is really eating my brains out so i decided not to watch anymore. i did the laundry, had a lil chat with hubby then i ate that ice cream i was dying to eat since last night. and now im here typing this while my flatmate is singing her lungs out with earphones hooked in her, maybe she thinks nobody can’t hear, so i guess i just have to bear with her.. pfft.

this is one lazy day, so i guess i will be doing everything as i always do, my day is boring as shit, i don’t know what to do anymore.

gah.